Being a Mom & Photographer Isn't Always Easy

(photo taken by Julia Bender)

Here's the scenario:

You've spent the last 13yrs wanting to document every worthy moment through a camera and lens. You live in extreme guilt (and sometimes pain) when you don't document said important moments. You try and tell yourself to be present, enjoy the moment as it is happening...and you do try and sometimes even succeed..but deep down you mourn the loss of capturing the perfect ray of light falling at the perfect moment illuminating the perfect expression or thought or mood. Deep down you wish you could have both, the experience and the recorded memory.

Being a Mom and a photographer isn't always easy.

After being up for 48hrs+ strait, 27 of which I was in labor....17 of which I was in active labor...in my home..without pain medication....The number one thing people wanted of me was PHOTOS. "Where are the pictures?" "Can't you just post a photo from your iphone" "We NEED to see her".

I get it people and I truly did sympathize.

I wasn't about to have the 1st photo of her shown to the world be a semi OK photo taken with a mobile phone. Sorry. This photographer knew her daughter deserved more.

So while she was yet one day old, I stole 10mins and tried to photograph my newborn. Emotions were running high. Family was waiting in the family room to meet her..but I only had 10mins of daylight, 1omins left of day one. 10mins to photograph a moment I had been anticipating for years..her 1st photoshoot. So of course I was in tears. "This isn't what I wanted!"..."I need more time!"...Standing was still uncomfortable. My emotions were fragile and so was my body. I held my camera with shaky hands and proceeded to climb to a standing position on top of my bed to get the right angle. Grant was helping to hold me up and with tears running down my face, I took a few shots.

Taking photos has gotten a bit easier...but still it's a constant balance between me as a photographer and me as a Mom. I know I am both..that won't change but I have found that at times the need to give in to the lack of perfection. Giving in to the fact that executing the vision exactly as I see it in my mind won't always happen.

Our families theme for the year is "Creating Space". In this situation I have found the need to let certain things go in order to create space for others. I need to hold her and feed her and look at her AND not because she needs it but because I need it...sometimes more that putting her down to get the shot.

Which leads me to the reason of this post! (Thanks for sticking with me this far). My friend Julia was coming over to meet our little gal and I asked her to bring her camera and get a few shots of us as a family. So glad I did. We don't have a lot of the three of us and the ones of her and I are always tinged with the stress of me setting up the shot, checking exposure etc. Julia came, shot and presented these beautiful photos...meanwhile I was holding, loving and kissing my best girl and guy.

I am going to get this photographing my own child thing down. Mark my words. Trust me I have already taken thousands of photos of her (not kidding). I am planning on posting some more images of our first few weeks together this week...that is unless I am too busy being present.

Any professional Mom/photographer combos out there that want to share their best tips for balancing the two roles?

Two Weeks

I can’t stop calling you pooky or pooky bear or my pookster.

You don’t fall asleep on me after eating very much any more. Now we have to feed burp and soothe. I don’t mind. More time to cuddle you and whisper in your ear.

You can be very dramatic when you are tired..doing extreme backbends, acting starved but refusing to eat…and then 2 seconds later you are out cold.

We gave you a second bath this week in the bathroom sink and you loved it.

You make lots of eye contact and loved to be blowed on and tickled. You love to be stroked and touched.

Your entire body from the top of your head to your little bottom fits the length of my forearm. I can hold you in one arm.

Morning time is the best. You love hanging out with mom and dad in bed, content to just look at us and soak up all our praise.

When we try to burp you, you do an almost constant pushup.

When I am burping you , you get in your pushup position and then love staring at me about 2 inches away from my face.

You have a major need for speed. When the car starts moving you fall immediately asleep.

If you are asleep for more than two hours at a time, I start missing you really bad and really wish you would wake up.

I also feel like I need to hold you at least once an hour or I have major withdrawals.

It’s no surprise, I love you even more than I did last week.

PS. You stll only fit into your smallest clothes. Everything else drowns you.

One Week

Nova's first week has come and gone. Here are some impressions I wrote down for her:

In about an hr and a half, it will be a week from the moment you arrived. The moment you were born and I was re-born. You haven't been much for crying, even from the start. You cry when I don't feed you fast enough and that's pretty much it. You have the most beautiful face. Round and full. Your cheeks give me a chub attack and your lips are pouty and full. We didn't wash you for the first 5days. We just didn't want to wash all of the newborn off of you. I wasn't sure you would fit into your tiny newborn clothes but you did and do! Everything else drowns you. You love the bamboo blankets I bought you. My favorite thing this week is when after you have eaten you pull off and place your chubby cheek on top of my boob and are content to stay there all night. Sometimes when you do this you give milk coma smiles. I feel so proud that I helped contribute to that contentment. I also love your hot flushed face after you have eaten. You are exhausted and a little milk outlines your perfect pouty lips. I thought the days would go by slow..but they don't! I stare at you and before I know it another day has passed. The first time I showered, a day or so after your birth, I cried the entire shower. Your dad was in there helping me because I was still so weak. Part of the reason I was crying was because you were in another room from me. I never want to be away from you. The midwives said you have a "lusty" cry. I have to agree. You also have cleavage....What are we in for? Your hands in your sleeper mitts are the cutest little balls of fabric. You smell so good. I could sniff your hair, lips, cheeks and toes for hours and hours. My hand is about the size of your back and I like to leave it there so I can feel and see your chest rise and fall. Everyday I am sad you are one day older. The aging thing is going to be hard for me. I would rather have you sleep on, next too or in arms reach of me. I have woken up a few times panicked because you are not right on top of me. We like to always be touching each other. When you have been asleep for a few hrs and you wake up to feed, I'm always surprised at how much I missed you. Waking up in the middle of the night for you is not hard because I just love being with you and looking at you so much. You have spent the majority of this week naked with just your diaper on. Skin to skin keeps us both warm and helps us bond. You went for your first walk and your daddy carried you in the front carrier and you loved it. I worked with you at my computer with you on my lap. It seemed so normal. You were born with a hand next to the side of your head and still have those arms and hands always curled up next to you head. Speaking of arms...I counted 8 rolls on one of your arms this week. 8! You like to be soothed in an over the shoulder position or up against a chest. The first time I sang you your song after you were born, you stared at me and stopped moving. You recognized it. Your dad loves you a lot. He has been feeding me, answering the door and just taking care of business so you and I can rest and be together. He sacrifices for us. I loved you the entire time I was pregnant with you, but after you were born I loved you even more. All I care about is your comfort and well being. For your first outing to the pediatrician’s office we dressed you in a white onesie and gray polka dot leg warmers. You looked like you were about to do jazzercise. I'm having a hard time finding a balance between Mom and Photographer. I want to take photos of you constantly but I also want to hold you and stare at you constantly. It's the lot I will have to bear. It's raining tonight just like on the day you were born. I remember sitting in the tub in our bedroom and reaching out to touch the window during a contraction to see if the window felt cool. It did. It's almost 9:30. This was a break through time for me the night you were born. An hr later you were here and I couldn't stop smiling. I am still in shock that you came and that I live in a house with a baby. I am your Mom and know I am...but it all feels so normal that I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the huge change. I am excited to write out your whole birth story. I think I am ready. You are hungry so I better wrap this up. I never want you to change or grow or get older. I want you to be little forever......but then what about all the other stages? Everyone is obsessed with you. I am obsessed with you most. I grew you!!!!!! I miss you inside of me but am so happy you are here, healthy and all mine. We are an amazing team. The three of us.

Love, Mom

Introducing...

Baby Girl Porter

(photos of her one day old)

Born at home on Friday February 18th. 8lbs 10oz and 21in long.

Yes, she is still nameless...but not for long. In the meantime feel free to call her "Miss Chubby Cheeks".

We are totally in love, healthy and taking time for our new little family. Thanks for everyone's love and excitement.

We couldn't be happier.

Jillian

I love the shot of the dog. Boy has that pups world been turned upside down. He wanted to be in every shot. Bless him.

First time parent pros. They were so organized and so calm. Very encouraging.

I know I say this just about everytime, but that baby girl was perfection. Newborns can't be flawed.

Thank you for letting me hold and kiss your 1st born. It was a delight.

Home Birth

Theo's Birth video from hailey bartholomew on Vimeo.

Disclaimer: This video shows breasts and breast feeding but is otherwise discreet. You will probably cry and will watch it on repeat.

This video has made the rounds on the internet..and for good reason. It is magic. Anytime Grant and I feel stressed out about the "unknowns" we snuggle up and watch this. We both cry (even though we have watched it numerous times) and our anxiety is replaced with a surge of excitement and energy.

We are choosing to have a home birth.

Our midwives from the Sanctuary birthing center are amazing and enlightened. They are knowledgeable and warm. Our experience with them has been reassuring and extremely positive. We leave our pre-natal appointments and both feel satisfaction and contentment. I feel taken care of. Grant feels taken care of and I have no doubt our little lady feels the same.

We know that no matter how much preparation or planning we do...our baby girl may have other plans for her birth. We both feel strongly that the best thing we can do is stay flexible and open minded. So far so good and I feel so grateful for the peaceful feeling this desicion has left on me.

As much as we love Theo's birth, we have no preconceived idea of how our daughters birth "should be"...rather we feel it "will be" how it needs to be and we can only do our best to prepare mentally and physically for her grand entrance.

We are reading some amazing books that once I have finished, and formulated my opinions of each, I will share.

Yesterday one of my best friends gave birth to her second child, a dashing fellow named Major. His delivery was beautiful and empowering and full of love...and it was not at home. I am overwhelmed at the sacrifice mothers, fathers and families give in order to let a little human have a chance at life. I draw so much strength and goodness from the women that have gone before me and have shown me IT IS POSSIBLE. No matter how you choose to birth, I am in awe that you choose at all.

We welcome positive and encouraging comments.

(read about Theo's birth here. I follow gregarious peach's blog and it is one of the highlights of my day.)

Noah

Mr. Noah threw-up, pee'd and pooped...right after another in about for a 60sec interval. Oh!.. and he was buck-baby-naked while this all happened.

If I had a nickel for every time I have been pee'd or pooped on (or witnessed the act), I would be a very rich woman.

I photographed Cort and Laura's wedding a couple of years ago (look here) and then they asked me to photograph their new little family while I was in Dallas this month. This is what I call "Full Circle" photography. Life clients are the best clients.

I love photographing newborns (duh) but my main frustration is I am too busy working to really get  sufficient holding time. I think I am going to start scheduling an extra 30mins after every newborn shoot so I can remedy the problem.

Noah, I'm guessing everyone on planet Earth wishes they could hold you for 30mins. xo.

We've Been Waiting For You...

Happy 1 week of breathing air Baby Boy Affleck!

After all the worry of missing you come, you ended up waiting for your Auntie Rach....well kind of. I missed your birth but only because you were born in about 2 seconds (felt like 2 sec. actual time..from 1st contraction to birth approx 1 hr 30min). And then you were here!!!!!

We're all obsessed, especially your mom and dad. I did a voice recording of them talking about what it was like to be parents on the day you were born. I can't wait for you to hear it.

I would like to book at least 30mins of holding you this weekend (if you can come up for air from your #1 favorite pastime..eating!!!)

(And to answer the question you're all asking....YES. That was the view from their hospital room. Oh, Newport Beach. You are really too much.)

*****UPDATE*****

His name is official and public knowledge now... Baby Boy = Cole. xxxooo.

Meet Holland

I had the pleasure of flying up to San Francisco to photograph this new little human. Unlike some newborns too sleepy to give me even one look....Holland was modeling like a true professional. Big wide eyes, pouty little lips and of course, playing to the best light.

Oh how I wish this whole crew lived about 6hrs closer. There is something about a new family of three....something that makes you want to stay and stare at them forever.

Campbell

You know those times when you have to leave a shoot and you seriously consider kidnapping? I mean only one!...or two...OK...three at the most. Lucky for them I walked away empty handed...this time. Be careful if you ever invite me back. When we become parents, somebody please send duplicates of these kids.

Campbell will be pampered, loved and fiercely protected by an army. This I know.

Welcome to the world little one.

Houston

I thought a newborn shoot was a fitting post before Easter weekend. Nothing says "newness" and spring like a week old baby.

He was a gift to shoot. He was sweet and full of innocence. There is no question in my mind that this family was meant to be.

Happy first Easter Houston.

(and thank you for rockin the faux hawk. xo.)

New


My last photo shoot of 2009 was of this sweet little 2 week old baby girl. Yesterday work for me was staring, holding and cooing over a wee babe.

I feel so fortunate and blessed to be able to make my living seeing the things I see and recording them for others. 2009 has a been a year of amazing growth....for my business and for me personally. Thank you family, friends and clients for helping to give me the life I have.

Here's to what I couldn't look away from this year and all the things that will surprise my eyes in 2010.