Toes are the most delicious right now.
All is well for our little family. I am prepping for a wedding I am shooting these weekend in SF. I will be away from the wee one for 24hrs...my first night away! So needless to say I am a "pumping' maniac storing up the goods for her and Papa.
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. It seems to be happening so fast, right?
[vimeo 25584961 w=800 h=450] When our friend Joshua Brown was in town we did a little trade...I shot his family and he shot mine. I love trades! How amazing is this video? TREASURE. This was over 2 months ago!!! She was only 2 months then. It's like I blinked and she turned from a newborn into a baby.
If I have any advice for other human beings out there it's this: Record Your Life.
Take photos, even if just on your phone. Make movies of the everyday stuff. Write in a journal or blog. How priceless will this be for Nova someday? I would kill for this type of memory with me and my parents.
Josh, thanks for your skills and for keeping my 8wk post baby chins to a minimum.
Families are my favorite!!!
It has officially begun.
Back to back weddings today and tomorrow. Bring on the lovin, kissin, and blushin. Bring on the suits and lacy dresses. Bring on the parties and dancing and golden hour light. Also if you have a Grandpa that can wear a cowboy hat, that would be nice.
(photo from Amanda and Tommy's wedding last Friday)
With two kids this couple decided to do a pre-wedding shoot so on the wedding day they wouldn't stress about everyone's "moods". SO SMART.
The kids were charming and I do have to say...even though it wasn't offical yet...they were family.
I loved how much the kiddos beamed during their alone shots with Mom.
Shooting their Newport Beach wedding this Saturday!
Two of my most favorite things; summertime and eating outside. Today is the official start to the best season so I thought I would share a few iphone photos from our Father's Day dinner.
Ever since the Kelly's came to visit we have been pretty obsessed with this strawberry custard dessert. My favorite vanilla custard recipe here and my go to crust recipe as of late, here.
We also recently bought a Traeger Grill and have already gotten our moneys worth. We've smoked a whole chicken, grilled steaks, cooked a prosciutto and sage wrapped pork tenderloin...and on Sunday Grant requested pulled pork. We slow cooked a pork shoulder for 8hrs and ate that baby with coleslaw and buns.
For two folks who aren't very into meat we sure have been carnivores lately.
..and I am starting to realize all of my food shots are on my iphone. I should start using a big girl camera to photograph something I love so dearly..FOOD!
This last month you have changed the most.
You have gone from newborn to baby.
One of the biggest changes has been sound...you are now babbling!!
Your mouth looks different when you make any sound now. You use your lower jaw and stretch your lips into new shapes.
Right before bed you seem to be the most talkative. Every time you make sounds I feel like I am getting a present. It is that exciting.
I had to shoot a wedding and spent a whole day away from you.
With me back to shooting we are trying to find our balance. It will take some time but everyday gets easier.
For 4months strait I have been able to feed you every meal. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had this luxury.
It did take 4mos for me to finally need a break. Your dad soothed you to sleep and I was OK not being the one to do it. I just layed on the couch.
Your hair is looking red! It could just be the darker hair getting lighter...but what if?! I still kind of think you'll end up blonde. So excited to see.
You see everything now. I often catch you staring at the reflection of the water moving in the pool off our ceiling. I am so impressed you found that.
Your hand dexterity is getting so good. you grab and hold and having even started feeling my face when I get close.
Your dad often asks me about the "language" I speak to you. "ohdo-scuseme" seems to be a common phrase around here. Don't ask.
Your are still nutty, nudders, nutsies, do-dos. I am calling you by your name more too.
Secretly we practice saying "mama" numerous times a day. Don't tell Dad.
You laughed!! And do almost every night getting ready for bed if I kiss your neck.
You are such a happy soul. You smile even through tears sometimes.
We are starting to wonder if we should start weaning you off certain things, like the swing and the binky. I'm scared.
I had to start counting your age by the date and not by the week anymore. You were 4 months on the 18th (even though you were 16weeks last week).
I haven't lost the baby weight. I thought the fat stores were suppose to transfer? Ohdo-scuseme!!!!??
If you are on your stomach you act like an inch worm. Anyday now you will be a free woman.
You are super into us when we are eating. Watching every bite go into our mouths....so one night I put a little sweet potato on my finger and let you taste. You liked.
We have mini conversations now. I ask, you answer.
You love to suck on two fingers.
We read you books and you look and listen the whole time.
If you spit up on me I just rub it in.
Mom and Dad use to watch movies at night all the time, then you came and now we are too tired.
Last night we watched about 20mins worth before you needed us. It was a great 20mins.
If we start singing you start to jabber along.
You still love to burrow and sleep with your face into stuff.
We started having you sleep in your bassinet right next to me (can still grab you from bed). You were moving a lot and covers were a worry.
We think you have started to teeth. Because of this you like to eat non stop. And the drool...oh the drool.
Lately at night you act like a little ravenous monster. You open your mouth REAL wide and dive and rummage around. On again, off again, on again off again. You have me on a tight leash.
You seem so much older now when we go out. You like to look around from your wrap and will stay awake substantially longer.
You have a much harder time sleeping in your wrap now.
If you are wearing grey, green or blue you look like a boy. I wonder if I do too?
You always smile when we kiss the bottoms of your feet or the tip of your nose.
Seems like you are gaining weight. Your carseat is getting heavier to hold.
You roll back to front and then front to back on both sides. If you put you on your back you always roll to your stomach now.
We never get to stare at your naked bum enough so we have started to initiate naked bum time.
You are long. Long fingers and long spread out toes. You sleep stretched out and stand stretched out. You like your legs long and strait.
You don't really get sarcasm yet. You are mainly into physical comedy.
I see your independence growing. You and I are learning to have space. I can go to the gym and you can sleep in the other room. You don't need me to help you get your arm out from underneath you when you roll and I don't have to face you for you to fall asleep anymore. It's good and hard. We need to be ourselves but you are such a huge part of my identity that having distance feels strange and uncomfortable.
You are much more interactive when you eat now. I love how you wrap your little hand around my finger and squeezes tight. It's like you're saying "thanks mom for spending so much time feeding me". And then you glance up at me and I say "you are welcome sweet baby".
A third of your first year is over.
It has been the best 4months of my entire life.
I love you so much...I think you can tell.
(photo borrowed from Amber)
Grant and I couldn't stop laughing. You have to read this.
Oh, those cute dads.
(Found via Joanna's blog, Cup of Joe)
Welcome to earth you sweet little thing.
Your parents are pretty obsessed with you. I have documented proof.
Now that I am a parent I understand even more what a privilege it is to be invited into a home during the first few weeks of a newborn's life. Thank you so much for allowing me to share that space. She is so blessed to have you as parents.
A pretty girl and some pretty light.
Waiting from film from this shoot and then I will share more. Shot a few digital for immediate gratification.
This is my little bundle a few weeks ago.
She is starting to think she wants to crawl! I kid you not. Grant and I watch her try and try as she lays on her stomach. Knees slide up to her tummy and back down again. We give each other knowing glances...once she can move..stuff is going to be different around here.
(thinking of staring a tumblr site for her so I can post endless photos of the SUPER N without it clogging this one...thoughts? I just don't want to overload folks coming to look at my work...but she is my BEST work..Hmmmm...)
We took a barge to a taxi to a speedboat from Salvador to this tiny island where we stayed in a treehouse. We spent 4 days swinging in hammocks on our deck reading books. Sometimes we ventured off to swim in the ocean or eat fresh lobster on the sand. The stars at night were insane. One night we layed on the beach in the pitch dark and stargazing and talking about future children. Seems fitting we named our daughter after one of those bright stars.
We stayed at the Pousada Santa Clara. If you stay there ask for the two story treehouse. The food was amazing, the best we had on our whole trip.
(all images shot with the canon AE-1)
Remember when I went on my honeymoon OVER TWO YEARS AGO? Still haven't posted all of my photos. Sigh. Better late than never right?
A friend requested one of my Salvador images in print for his home and it was like, "I should blog those!" So here they are.
I shot all film on my honeymoon and these were all shot with the canon AE-1 (That I don't really shoot with anymore) and a bunch of expired film.
All shot on a canon AE-1.
I love the depth of field in the first vertical shot. So buttery and delicious.
Our sweet friends, the Kelly's, came for a short visit this last week. Made me miss that New York City something feirce.
We miss them and wish we could see them a lot more.
We had an impromptu 15min photoshoot the day before they left. Check out that early evening light poolside. Yummers.
All images shot at my home.
All of beautiful Miss Rachel.
...when she was only 2 weeks old? I miss that baby.
The 3mos old baby I currently have is on her way to Utah today. Aunt Anna gets home from Italy and we are all giddy.
All shot on my Hasselblad 501cm on Ilford 3200...I don't care what anyone else says, I love myself some grainy film.
Thanks to Richards Photo Lab for the processing.
I've said it once and I'll say it again...have I been in some sort of time warp?! Where has the last 3 months gone?
So much has changed for you this last month
First things first, you rolled over! Supposedly this is not typical until a month from now. And most babies roll from their stomachs to backs first but you rolled from your back to stomach at only 11 weeks! It happened during our tapas party and we were all kind of freaking out.
Great, now I have to watch you closer on beds and couches. Damn our cement floors.
You sleep like a champ always 8-9hrs every night. Always asleep by 9 at the latest.
You still sleep snuggled between us which I still love A LOT. But you do kick A LOT.
Turns out most baby clothes are short and fat. This poses an issue since you are long and thin.
You will smile at anyone. I haven't seen a person scare you yet.
At first I was jealous when you smiled at other people besides me and Dad. Truth.
We still have the luxury of giving you our full attention during all of your awake time.
Sometimes we play on your new mat which you think is pretty awesome. You spooned with Winston on it the other night. Turns out you're pretty boy crazy.
You stare at the lights and music on your mat and like to droll all over the bold patterns.
You take your best naps in the morning. And usually swing it out from 9:30 until about 1ish.
You found your hands and like to have them in your mouth at all times. Sometimes they don't taste good apparently because you make icky faces when they first make contact.
When you are really upset (which usually only happens when you have gas) your arms are stretched out horizontal and your shoulder raise to your chin. Confession: I have been known to wait a few seconds before soothing you because you look so adorable crying. That face.
Dad calls it "doing the wiggles" were we shift your hips around to try and help those darn gas bubbles.
You make little sounds but your aren't super talkative yet.
You still love faces best. And you will follow me around the room when others are holding you.
You make a little squinty face when I feed you and now move around a lot more, scratching with your hands or stretching your arm up over your head so I can't see you while you eat.
You also look at me sometimes while you eat. At first it seemed like you were surprised I was up there. "What are you doing here?" But then always a huge smile as though you are thinking..."Hey! I was just thinking about you!"
Standing is your favorite. Stand while you burp, play, chat, cry..stand stand stand. I had a dream that you started crawling and then walking as a 3mos old. It was wild.
You also do this semi-crunch and Gma helped determine that you did it most when you are hungry or wanted your binky--which we call "binksies."
Speaking of words, things we say to you or call you lately are: "nooks" "do do" "the babies"..and the staple "excuse me". I also made up a little jingle, "calling all the milk eaters, calling all the milk eaters, calling the leader of the milk eat-ers". I guess you have to be there.
Mom has started shooting more so you have been hanging with pops while I work. You two are so cute together.
I did wear you in the wrap for one shoot while you slept. It was like the good ole days when you and I would shoot together..expect you were under my skin, not above.
I'm getting set for long shooting days away from you and there is a stash of liquid gold (aka: breast milk) in the freezer. I probably wont stop feeling stressed about it until there is a years worth!
So far I have given you EVERY feeding except like 4..when dad has bottle fed you just to make sure you will take a bottle.
We added it up and in the first 2months of your life the time spent feeding was 8 strait 24hr days. Um, ya. That's why I talk about feeding time so much.
I started putting felt bows and flowers in your hair with kero syrup...but the first time I did it, it was so secure you basically had a flower stuck to your head with sugar for 2 days strait.
Your dad blessed you in church this month and lots of visitors were here for the event. Gma and Gpa Thurston stayed for 4 days! It was great. They got a lot of time with you.
Sometimes when I have the TV on I will catch you looking at the screen. Uh oh. TV is not for little babies.
I get anxious sometimes that I don't have enough clothes or toys for you. Or that you are too skinny and should be plumper by now. I get nervous if your eyes look red or there is a scratch on your skin. Every time I take you outside I wonder what in the air is touching you.
Truth be told you have never seemed like other newborns. You seem so much wiser to me. You are smart and aware and know how to communicate. I honestly feel like we are best friends.
We can talk or not talk and still find things not to talk about (it seems like I am doing most of the talking).
I do this thing were I pretend that I am going to eat you and then gnaw on your neck. You love it. Just the other day you started doing it back! You open you mouth super wide and come after me with the fury that only a breast fed baby can have...and then you smile and giggle. Interactive play time!! YES.
You have these eyes that look at everything with wonder and surprise. You have no negative judgment of others. Nothing is stupid or dumb. You have perfect love and acceptance. I have so much to learn from you.
xxoo-
Mom
I just needed to thank everyone for the beautiful support and encouragement surrounding Nova's birth story. The comments, tweets and emails were overwhelming and validating. I am glad I shared.
Truthfully the main reason I wanted to share was based on what I needed before I gave birth...connection. Nothing helped strengthen my resolve more than knowing and hearing about women who had done this before. To feel connected to the rooted history of new life coming into this world. If everyone else can do it, why can't I? I received so much great advice and positive support. I feel like I need to pay it forward.
If I am low risk during my next pregnancy there is a very good chance I will try and birth again this exact same way...but my baby may have other plans. I couldn't force Nova to shorten my labor time anymore than I control a number of other factors. Healthy happy babies and mommas are the end goal.
Here's to warrior mamas and the babes that help shape them.
(I tried to respond to a lot of our comments on my blog. I hit reply to specific comments but I'm not convinced it actually emails the commenter?...I am also working on responding to all the emails. Thank you for your patience and please know that what I really want is to invite all of you over for lunch and a good long chat about childbirth. Hey! Maybe I should! Does anyone want to come? xxoo.)
The light was great, the couple was charming...but the real plus from this shoot was the fact we all came out alive. A real live bobcat walked within 5ft of us and we saw a decapitated head of a very large rodent AND a rattlesnake was nearby. It was us against wildlife. You can probably tell who won.
Their wedding is in San Diego this summer. Wildlife watch out!
(shot on 5D and Hasselblad)
Your due date came and went. I knew better than to set my hopes on Feb 13 being the day of your arrival…but still I felt a measure of disappointment not having you here that day. It wasn't until The 16th that I felt a contraction. I always wondered if I would know when I was actually having contractions…but you know. It is a wave. Starts small and builds and then comes back down again. They started in the morning and at one point they were lasting about a minute and were 6mins apart. I didn’t want to get too excited (but I was and so was your dad). We called the midwives just to give them a heads up and we called your Grandma Thurston. We knew we weren’t in active labor yet but we were close…and because of how fast your gmas labors were and all of my friends labors were I just thought yours would happen fast and I wanted everyone to be on the ready. By about noon the contractions started slowing down and getting farther and farther apart. Bummer!!! I was ready for you to come and getting mentally ready and then they just got weak. Every once in awhile I would get a strongish one but they some of them were just weak. Wah! In our birth prep class they told us early labor can be long and to come up with activities so we went to the movies.
We saw Justin Bieber in Never Say Never..which is hilarious since neither of us care much for some be-bopper singer. I was sitting in the dark theater still having sporadic contractions. At this point they were intense enough that talking through them was annoying and they did kind of take my breath away but they were still light enough that once they were done I felt a total release. At one point in the movie, after a contraction, my eyes welled up with tears. I felt SO good. Each time a contraction ended I felt almost euphoric. Like I was floating. I know it was a magic mix of hormones and emotions and I am sure it is all part of the plan to make you WANT to work through what is to come. I was watching a movie about a young child achieving their goals and dreams and I couldn’t help thinking non stop about you. What you would want to achieve and dream and devote your time to. I felt so inspired by the life you were about to live and that I was going to be privileged to be a part of. I just felt the greatness of you AND I was a hormonal miracle..so there I was crying while watching Justin Bieber.
By the time we left the movie my contractions had decreased even more and by the time we went to bed I hadn’t had one for hours. WHAT? What a tease. Your grandma had come over to sleep in case it was time..and it was hard for me to feel like everyone was waiting watching and looming over us. I knew you had a plan and would come when it was time for you to come..and I didn’t want others to make us feel pressure.
I slept through that entire night and woke up in the morning realizing I hadn’t had one single contraction all night. It was now Feb 17. Time to get serious.
Your dad and I went curb walking. Where you walk with one foot on the curb and the other on the road trying to jiggle you out. It was pretty hard work being 40+ weeks pregnant. But I was determined. At some point near the end of our walk your dad and I got in an argument. I can’t even really remember what it was about. Great. I was already feeling so much with you about to arrive and now this? I just needed to feel super close to your dad and and I know he needed it to. We decided to go out to lunch for Indian. Spicy food to kick you out of there. We went to a great palace down in Belmont Shores. On the drive home things got heated and once I got out of the car I was crying and I grabbed headphones and stormed out of the house. What was happening? So much emotion. So much I wanted. So much NOT happening. My patience was thin and I was more fragile than usual. I listened to Jesca Hoop and Diana Krall. I also listened to yoga mantras I had on my iphone. I walked and cried and dragged my huge body all over the neighborhood. Once I got home I had made an appointment to see an acupuncturist. I was on a mission to get you here. I can’t remember how it happened but your dad wanted to come with me to my appt. I went and she poked me and rubbed me. I couldn’t tell if it was doing anything but I knew it couldn’t hurt. Once I was home I jumped in the shower and I remember your dad peaking his head in and telling me he was sorry. He went for a walk and when he got back he had written me a little poem and brought me a citrus blossom to smell. It was around 9pm and I remember sitting in the big blue ball leaning over onto our bed reading the poem and smelling the blossom as I was starting to have contractions again. Your Dad noticed there was a full moon. I walked out our bedroom door with my camera to look at the sky and make a wish on a star.
Around 10pm we were both in bed and they started and grew. I knew this time was different than yesterdays contractions. They were growing more and more intense. I remember at one point while I was pregnant thinking it was so strange how no one could describe to you what a contraction felt like and I promised myself that once I was feeling them I would take a mental note of how to describe it. For me they started in my back and felt like a intense period cramp that wrapped from my lower back around to my uterus and then grew until it peaked. It felt like a period cramp that got REALLY strong and tight right in the front of my uterus and then it slowly crept back down. I know you are supposed to relax and not fight the contractions but it was hard not to hold my breath or clinch my fists. It was hard to keep my body loose when everything wanted to tighten up along with my uterus. Your dad was timing the contractions on his iphone and I was still having to tell him when they were starting because they were “mild” enough that he couldn’t tell when they were starting on his own. Honestly the next 6-7hours were comprised of contraction after contraction growing in intensity and length and me asking your Dad every two seconds how far apart they were. I knew that once we were having contractions that lasted one minute and they were coming every five minutes for at least an hour we could call the midwives. Calling the midwives meant I was REALLY in labor, active labor and it also meant that there was an end in site.
During the middle of the night while you Dad and I were laboring alone, we moved from the bedroom out to the family room once I really didn’t want to be lying down anymore. I stood in the family room or sat on the couch and during contractions your Dad would stay close until he knew I could relax. I had him light a fire..which was nice to watch. It was dark outside and quiet but I had a fire inside of me. Something big was happening. At one point while we were still alone, I was starting to get emotional and tired from the intensity of the contractions. I was crying wondering how much longer this would last? When were you coming? Your Dad soothed me by saying “You are going to be holding her in the morning”. We both really believed that. Once the time was right you Dad called the midwives and my Mom. I talked to Molly once on the phone and she wanted to be on the phone with me while I was going through a contraction so she could hear me. You can tell a lot by how a laboring woman sounds. Sometimes all the midwives need is to hear you in order to know what stage you are at. Your midwives, Molly, Debbie and Juli arrived around 5:30am with your Grandma Thurston arriving right after them. They all arrived in a sacred hush…only talking in whispers. Molly came over and hugged me and I cried on her shoulder. When Grandma got there we locked eyes and she gave me a knowing look as we both welled with tears. The space was filled with so much energy and in a weird way so much calm. We all had a job (including you) and we were doing them.
(a photo I took in between contractions!)
I know they checked me not soon after they got there and although I didn’t want to know the exact number I was dilated to I wanted to know if I was indeed in active labor (dilated to at least a 5) and progressing. I was in active labor!! Good thing. It didn’t feel like early labor anymore. While they were filling up the birthing tub in our bedroom I labored all around….on the toilet, in the guest bath, in the family room. I was getting up from sitting the guest bath tub and had to throw up in the sink. Debbie thought it meant I was in transition! Transition meant you would be here soon! To be honest the next 12hrs were a blur. Time existed but was hard to grasp. At one point I had everyone cover up the clocks in the house. I didn’t want to obsess about how much time had passed or not passed. I was already crazy in my head that I wasn’t holding you and it was past morning! Your Dad promised! One of the issues that was causing everything to last longer was your position. You were posterior, with your back against mine. Not only does it cause more pain for me as you drop but it also adds time because you need to move into a favorable position before you will deliver. I have no idea what a “non” posterior birth feels like (and supposedly a posterior birth is the most painful kind) but once the contractions were intense enough, I had to have someone give me back pressure during the peak of every contraction. Your dad pretty much held a rolling pin into my lower back for 15hrs strait. Yep, a rolling pin and I would beg for him to push harder and harder. I pretty much felt everything in my lower back. It felt like burning, splitting and sharpness. It felt like nothing I knew could exist.
Because of your position, we wanted to try and get you to move. The midwives had me try a lot of different positions…none of which were very comfortable for me. I did a runners lunge on top of the bed and contracted while throwing up in a bowl. I squatted while hanging on to a sheet that was thrown over a door. I contracted standing. They put a sheet around my back and tried jostling you around. I had been naked since the moment the midwives arrived. Clothes were a bother and unnecessary. I would get cold getting out of the tub and would wear my bathrobe until I got too hot. Once while squatting off the back of the couch I was in tears and the midwives reminded me to talk to you. (I needed to remind myself of the prize). Your dad and I were both in tears as we sang you your lullaby. I just wanted you here so bad.
They tried to get me to eat and drink to keep my energy up but it was hard. I had no appetite. They fed me some fruit, little cut up pieces of cinnamon toast. I drank gatorade, water and coconut juice…all given to me with a straw. I’m not sure I held a straw once. They fed and watered me like a baby. At one point I know my Dad had landed and my Mom asked him to pick up some more coconut juice at the store and bring it over. I guess he didn’t know what to get so he got one of every coconut item in the store. Coconut water, brown coconut etc…I didn’t find this out until after but I thought it was pretty adorable. When he came to drop off the goods he wanted to come in. My mom tried to explain to him that he really didn’t want to come in. My mom said he was sad and frustrated but he really didn't realize I was laboring all over the house. We weren’t all in there watching a movie while I excused myself to the restroom. We were working hard. Cute Grandpa.
The videographer we had hired to come flaked. Yup. Flaked. Your dad emailed her but she never showed. I had my camera out set to auto and everyone there did a great job taking shots when they could. Between my 5D, iphones a canon elf and one HD video camera, we actually ended up getting some decent photos. It was important to me..but the fact that the person we hired didn't show up, bugged me for about 5secs and then I was over it. I was busy with other things.
My favorite place to be was in the tub. It was immediate relief as soon as my belly hit the water. I probably got in and out of the tub 5 times. Most of the time Grant was behind me and he would press that beloved rolling pin into me as I pressed into him. Dad pretty much never left my side. Before going into labor I wasn’t sure how I would react. Would I want to be alone? Would touch bug me? Would Grant drive me nutzos? Turns out I wanted Grant clued to my side the entire time. He was my rock. He was confident, calming and sweet. When we would lock eyes I never once saw fear or sadness. He was fiercely committed to me, to you and being the strength I needed him to be. On the rare occasion he had to leave me to eat or use the restroom, I would cry. “Where are you going?!” The midwives reassured me they would give me back support when needed and he would be right back. I needed him more than I’ve ever needed him and he didn’t disappoint. He was amazing. I felt so bonded to him. More than ever he felt like my husband.
Once day started turning to night again…it got hard. Really hard. I had no idea what time it was..my only clue was the light. I was panicked. I had been up for nearly 48hrs strait. I had been laboring for 24hrs of that 16 of which were active labor. I didn’t know if I had it in me to labor through another night. My body was doing what it needed to do and I never felt like there was anything “wrong” but mentally everything was getting jumbled. I was exhausted. Starting around what I would guess was 8pm or so…my contractions got to the point when I pretty much had no break. They flowed one after another. The build was less and they felt like immediate peaks one after another. I felt like I had held a fairly calm exterior the entire time (considering) and in between contractions I would joke around and maybe even laugh. I felt like I had it all in perspective. Once night came, something changed for me. I cried and moaned and kept asking what my “options” were. Her heartbeat was OK, I was OK but why wasn’t she coming? Why couldn’t I feel her lower down? Would she ever be able to come? I didn’t ever ask for pain medication but I did wonder if the whole thing would work. It felt like no end was in site and that I had lost control over my body.
Before going in to labor I had ideas. I never really thought of labor as painful..and contractions weren’t contractions but “waves”. I believed that labor was natural, doable and something I didn’t need to be hospitalized for. I wasn’t sick. I was pregnant. I knew it would be intense but I also knew it would be temporary..and what couldn’t I do for 24hrs? I had chosen not to concentrate on the what if’s of pain and labor sensations. I mean what could I really do about them anyway? I knew I had very little control over what labor would actually feel like and I had chosen to concentrate more on the after. What the first days of being with you would look like and feel like. I did some hypnotherapy sessions and really loved listening and meditating to the recorded sessions. It gave me so much relaxation during early labor and I assumed it would in labor as well. Truth be told most of what I thought would help me during labor didn’t even cross my mind. I only listened to a little music (I specifically remember listening to Empire State of Mind while lunging on the bed), I chanted a yoga mantra for a few minutes but never listened to my hypno. I wasn’t that interested in aromatherapy; I don’t think a single candle was ever lite. I was really in my head and my body for the whole process. It helped to concentrate on key words I concentrated on during hypnotherapy like “trust”…and this more than anything filled my thoughts. The word “Trust” was at the front of my mind the entire time. Trusting myself and trusting, you, my baby. No matter how intense the process got, I always felt connected to you and I always trusted you. I knew you would come when the time was right. I knew you were working hard as well and had been working hard with me the entire pregnancy. The pain and discomfort I was feeling seemed separate from my thoughts of you. I knew you were OK and understood more than I did. Your wisdom and insight helped calm me.
The last couple of hours were life changing. Truth be told, I never knew those feelings existed. I never knew it was possible for my body to feel the way it did. I didn’t want certain words to be a part of my experience but they were! I felt pain. I felt like my body was ripping in two. I wondered how my heart wasn’t exploding. It was an out of body experience. My body was doing what it needed to do and I felt like I was just a passenger. Everything else going on was faint and in the background. I knew who was in the room at any given time, but didn’t really care. Everyone spoke in hushed tones and whispers. The windows were fogged with steam from the tub and rain. I could hear the clinking of bowls as people ate in the kitchen. I knew they were filling the tub with more water. I could feel my hair piled on top of my head in an elastic falling to one side. I noticed it all but just barely. Nothing mattered except you and my body trying to bring you to me. I would cry during and after contractions and I really felt like maybe I couldn’t do it anymore. I remember one hard moment leaning on the side of the tub with Juli looking into my eyes. She reminded me of my own strength. That I was doing this and had been doing it. She reminded me I DID have control and to breath. To breath for me and my baby. It helped but I still worried I would let everyone down every time I contracted because I was having a harder time controlling myself. I had let go. (This is probably when I was in transition)
During one break I remember leaning my head on the edge of the tub and staring at the window. It had been raining on and off all day and little raindrops dotted the window. I reached my hand and touched the glass wondering if it would feel cool. It did, but not as cool as I had expected. I felt like I came out of laborland for a minute and showed myself. I felt like I was between two worlds.
Sometime during this “transition” your Dad gave me a little gift. He was out of the tub and I was leaning over the edge as I opened the little box with the most beautiful ring. The ring I wanted from the OK store. I loved it…but remember thinking I didn’t deserve it since you weren’t here yet. But everyone quickly disagreed. I did deserve it!!
Around 9:30ish we all had a little conversation. After each contraction I kept asking what my options were? How much longer? Was I at a 10 yet? Why wasn’t she coming? I need this to be over. I can’t do this anymore!! Because of my extreme exhaustion from being awake for over two days, one of the options was to transfer to a hospital. If we transferred now me and baby might have a enough strength to still deliver vaginally….if we wanted to transfer and our exhaustion grew it might increase the chance of having to deliver cesarean. I didn’t want to transfer!! And knew I didn’t have to BUT I also wondered if you would ever come..ever drop. How much longer could I go? I cried that I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to deliver than have them take my baby to a nursery. I was beside myself. What should I do. It was pitch black outside and my body was in a million pieces. I looked up from the tub to my sweet Mom standing in the doorway. I asked what I should do and she said , “You aren’t the only one deciding, she might have another plan”. I agreed with her. It seemed like the situation was unsolvable. You were stable. They were checking your heartbeat a lot with a little waterproof monitor. You weren’t upset…what should I do? What did you need me to do?
Molly said she would check me one more time (which was getting more and more uncomfortable since I was pretty much in a constant contraction with no breaks) and depending on how dilated I was we would make our decision. I was in the tub and leaned back on your dad so my belly was pointing towards the ceiling. She checked me and I was fully dilated! Ready to push! I hadn’t had the sensation to really push on my own yet or least I never really noticed it. They said lets try pushing and see what happens. I asked how long we would try for (at this point I was all about stuff not lasting very long). I said you needed to come before midnight. The midwives said if they could tell me or guarantee a time you would get here, they would be the richest midwives in the world. They had me switch positions on to my knees with my upper body leaning on the side of the tub. I started pushing with each contraction and tried concentrating on putting all of my energy into a downward motion. I had to think deep, breath deep and go deep. Grant was with me in the tub and Molly’s upper body was half in feeling and helping to guide you out. Everyone else was gathered around.
Pushing felt a lot like the burning sensation I felt while during the perineum stretching before labor…just more intense. I could feel you in my vaginal opening. I knew you were close. I could feel pressure and stretching with each contraction and I knew my body was getting ready. There wasn’t a thought in my head at the time about tearing. I just needed you to be here. I needed to be done laboring. It felt like 15mins…but 45mins after I started pushing you were here. One big push and then another. Whoosh! Relief! I turned over into a sitting position and Molly removed the cord from around your neck, passed you under my leg and up out of the water onto my chest!!! My baby!!! It worked you were here. Miracle!!!! I cried. 10:27pm. My eyes were fixed on you. You had hair, dark hair and chubby checks with multiple chins. Your eyes were closed and wide and you were quiet…and little too quiet. You made small movements and little coughs but no big cry. I wasn’t too worried…you were still connected to the placenta so you were getting blood and oxygen from that. I felt pretty calm but I did want you to belt. They gave your lungs a few suctions and a little oxygen by your nose. I kept asking if you were ok and they kept telling me yes and to keep talking to you. I kissed you and your dad and I rubbed your body, flicked the soles of your feet and sang you your lullaby. You were here!!! I was in shock. They thought it would help to clear your lungs to get me and you out of the hot tub. I’m not sure how I did it with you still attached to the umbilical cord, but I stood holding you and stepped out of the tub and on to the bed with you. They covered us with towels, I shook and you started to cry. Heaven to my ears. I felt some nothingness contractions since my placenta wanted to come out. We left it connected to you until it finished pulsing (which your dad and I got to feel. SO COOL)…which was about 40mins after you were born. I delivered the placenta with one small grunt. Easy peicy. I hadn’t had a REAL contraction for almost an hour! Heaven. It was amazing how one intensity..the physical turned to another, happiness and joy as soon as you were here.
The next few hours consisted of me and your dad being completely consumed and awe struck that you where here, with us, in our arms. We got to examine the placenta..AMAZING…you feed within the first 45mins..just little sucks but it felt super normal and I felt all this desire to feed you. I wanted to feed you and care for you and protect you the moment you were here. It was all I wanted. It was such a dream NOT being in labor and having you in my arms and SEEING you.
I went to the bathroom soon after you were born which was kind of weird but not that big of a deal. While I was out of the bed the midwives changed the sheets and completely remade the bed (which felt more comfortable than any bed I had ever climbed into). Grandma made me and and Dad scrambled eggs with toast. We drank some of the Germany grape juice that Jenni gave us and toasted. The doctor had to come to stitch me up and I was just full of love for everyone there helping and caring for us. OXYTOCIN!! They gave you an exam and you weighted 8lbs 10oz and were 21 1/4 inches long.
I felt so bonded to everyone there. Truth be told the birth team that showed up weren’t the midwives I knew best from the birth center..but they were the right ones for your birth. I have never felt so cared for in my entire life. The way the looked at me, touched me, the words they used to soothe and strengthen me were all perfect. There was such a sisterhood surrounding your labor and birth. I needed what they were there to give and they gave freely and with no reservations. They held the space with so much protection and acceptance. I fell in love with each one of them.
After they cleaned up and we took photos and I was stitched up, everyone left at about 5am and we were tucked into bed for our first few hours of sleep as a family. I felt like I was floating.
It did take me a few days to get over the initial shock of labor and delivery. I struggled at first coming to terms with what I considered a more traumatic birth than I had anticipated. It was longer and much more challenging than I had imagined it being. I was worried that maybe it was somehow more out of control than other births…that I could have been stronger. That the intensity was something I let take over me. I was worried that I maybe somehow stressed you out…I think the memories and feelings were still so recent that part of me felt fear. Fear that I would have to go through it again!! Obviously I was not ready to birth a second child and joked with you that you would be an only child. I remember feeling all of these things and then a few days after your birth I was taking a sitz bath in the bath tub and your Dad was chatting with me. I realized that I had done the most challenging thing I would EVER have to do. I had pushed the physical limits of my body and survived…and not only survived but thrived! It was amazing. You were born and my body instantly started healing itself. I could walk and talk and laugh and hold and eat and smile and even take you the pediatrician only days after. I was a living miracle…and so were you. I knew I had tested emotional and mental boundaries during my divorce and now I had done the same physically. I felt so empowered!!! I was amazing. My body was a wonder. It worked it all worked. It was then that I started giving myself credit for the feat it just surpassed and started putting the “trauma” in check. It was normal and not something I had to fear..because I had conquered it! I did what I set out to do and had NO regrets. I never wanted to leave home or medicate myself. My body never needed medication, never. I started giving myself credit for delivering with special circumstances, posterior and you were born with your arm by the side of your head. No wonder it took longer and felt the way it did. And even with those circumstances we did it. I wanted to give you a birth you could be proud of. I wanted to give you everything…or at least try. If I could survive that labor, what couldn’t I survive? I now know I am capable of surviving any challenge. Physical, emotional or mental. I have proven that to myself. What a gift.
It is hands down the thing I am proudest of. It is my greatest accomplishment. I made you and delivered you. And you are perfect. My little Super Nova.
I waited almost 5weeks before I was ready to watch the video your Grandma taped of your delivery and you know what? I didn’t look nearly as hard as it was to feel. What was the big deal anyway? ☺ Maybe you won’t have to be an only child after all.
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Obviously this story was posted mainly for family and friends, so if you read the whole thing consider yourself part of the crew. xxoo.
(despite the imperfection of a lot of the photos...they are some of my greatest treasures. What a miracle photography is!)