I am writing this a bit after you turned a month old...closer to 6 weeks. In all fairness the reason I was waiting was because of the photos! I shot your one month images using film and am still waiting on the lab for those pictures. I do want to shoot most of your monthly images using film, so I will have to figure out this whole waiting issue. Lesson learned I need to write out my words on the day even if they photos aren’t ready yet. Hey, you choose a photographer mom, so get use to this sort of garbage.
Your first month was complete bliss.
You are complete bliss.
I read somewhere that babies are in a continual state of bliss and happiness. Truth.
Since you have a sister on the go you have been out and about quite a bit.
You’ve been shopping, Disneyland (twice), the beach, a Yo Gabba Gabba party...but most of the time you are with me.
We hang out together a lot.
I sometimes think “wow my babies like to be held a lot...” and then I remember babies like to be held a lot. All of them. And I just happen to do it.
Of course you are more comfortable sleeping on me. Of course you are more comfortable being held by me and rocked by me rather than a swing or a bouncer.
My confession is that every once in a blue moon I need a break. Like, to go to the bathroom, or to wrestle your sister....but besides that we are glue.
You eat like a champion.
You have had a tiny bit of acid reflux and it seems to bother you more right before bedtime. Poor lil monkey. We take lots of breaks while we feed for burping. I do think part of the problem is the Niagara Falls-esque milk supply I have plummeting into your tiny throat. I don’t think feeding you upside down would make a difference.
I took you in to see your midwife to check out your breastmilk jaundice and she weighed you. I think you were almost a month old and had already gained a pound and a half. Atta boy.
All of your dark hair is still here including the fur on your ears. Love to notice the features that still make you a newborn. Your cry, your nuzzles.
I love the trust and complete comfort you have with me. When we are feeding you will have your eyes close and just bob around with your mouth wide open knowing I will help you get what you want. Once you are latched on you give a little attitude...like you are the prince being handfeed grapes. Guess what? You are! You expect certain things and you should.
I also like the little seal we create with our sweat. If you are feeding or sleeping my my arm, your cheek becomes stuck to my arm and I have to peel us apart. Gross or awesome?
Since you have been born I don’t think I haven’t taken a single nap. You sleep so well at nights. I know part of that has to do with us co-sleeping. We don’t have to get out of bed to eat or change our diapers. On average we wake up 2-3 times to burp or latch back on and that’s it. We both drift back to sleep.
Mostly we sleep with me on my back and you laying on my chest or cradled in my arms. Your head is usually close enough for me to kiss.
Like most new babies you are working through digestion and Dad loves to help you work out gas. When I look over he is constantly rolling you around. He is a man on a mission and I think you appreciate it.
You do prefer me (I am the walking bottle) but you and dad have a special mid-afternoon nap thing that is kind of boys only. You are doing it right now as I type next to me in bed. You both zonk out on the bed, breathing deep. Love my boys.
Your sister is pretty nutz about you. She can’t kiss, hold or hug you enough. She does this gritty teeth thing when she wants you so bad.
I love the way she says your name “fuhbanks”...and she almost always says it in a whisper.
We mostly call you baby brother, Fairbanks, Banksy, Banksy Bear, noodle, sweet boy.
I mostly just think you’re perfect.
You love when I run my lips over yours. It puts you in a trance. Dad watches in wonder that I have such control over you (not sure why he is surprised...). You love my attention and affection and I love giving it.
I am pretty sure you have been smiling since week one. Mornings are your smiliest times.
When you were first here I saw a lot of your sister in you but as you grow bigger more and more you are looking like yourself. Still one of my babies with those cheeks and kissable lips...but your face and your eyes are you....and no one else.
We are starting to get into the swing of things as a family of four. Your dad and I have to take turns around bedtime tag teaming our two munchins.
Sometimes we are all doing the same thing at the same time like sitting around the kitchen table, laying on our bed, snuggling on the couch. Those moments are emotionally intense...at least for me.
I have a family of four. I have a husband and a daughter and son.
This fact makes me feel so full and so overwhelmed. Is there enough of me to go around? There has to be...and I will work hard to make sure there is.
I know there is still time to find balance but for now my main goal is to hold you, feed you, love you and be present for my whole family.
Dishes will get done. Parties will be had. Dates for dad and I will happen again. I will lose the extra weight. There will be plenty of time to outfit myself and get gussied up......
But for now, you are my focus. Welcoming you into our family is all that matters.
I will blink and your newborness will be gone, so I take as many small glances as I can at you throughout the day and let myself feel you so new in my arms.
Being a parent is tough cookies at times but I refuse to waste my time wishing for something else. Wishing for what at times I think will be easier. Trust me, nothing is easier than loving your kids. Nothing is easier than holding you. Nothing is easier than wanting so much for you.
I promise to keep working hard at living NOW.
My friend Natalie Norton shared something on her instagram feed that I haven’t be able to stop thinking about. Hope she doesn’t mind me re-sharing,
“ One of the reasons I resonate so completely with A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is because of how deeply I believe this to be true.” You become like the people you interact with. And if your friends are living boring stories, you probably will too.” I look at my children, and I think, “Like it or not, they’re becoming like me. Like it or not, they are modeling so much of their own future stories after the one I’m choosing to live every single day.” I pray for the courage to teach them in the only way I know how, by inviting them in- by inviting them into a story they’re proud to be a part of. And I hope that together, we can create a life story so much more meaningful than anything any of us could have ever created on our own.”
Loved what she shared so much.
I want to help create a life story for my family that we are proud to have lived.
I want to always invite you into my life, sweet Fairbanks.
I want to keep working hard at seeing and valuing those little miracle moments..you looking into my eyes while you eat, making sure I’ve got you. The way your sisters face looks as she holds you and laughs as she pretends you are tickling her. The way your dad bounces you over his shoulder in his underwear. The way it feels to be touching three people I love SO much all at the same time. I am storing those moments and adding them to our story.
Fairbanks you belong in our story. Like your lullaby sings, “..with you here, everything is right.”
ps. stay little